How neat it is when we see the hand of God in our lives! I have been struggling so much these last couple of weeks. Struggling to the point of even questioning my salvation. I kept thinking of the verse, "The prayers of a righteous man availeth much, " and I was constantly praying and feeling like I was getting no answers. Hence my thoughts that I wasn't converted. After spending several weeks having quiet times - reading and praying and doing everything I thought I was supposed to be doing, I couldn't understand why God wasn't doing what I thought He should be doing. Seriously! ( I had a Job moment after he finished complaining to God!!!) - did I really think that God actually owed me for doing what I need to be doing anyway?? That my friend is the power of sin and what can happen when we let Satan affect our thoughts!!! I thought that because my life wasn't getting easier so to speak, that God couldn't hear me. But praise God, He brought me to my knees and helped me to see things clearly. It wasn't that I wasn't saved (and by thinking rationally - I know I was saved because I would not have been able to make the last 26 years (I was saved when I was 9) if I wasn't)...it was that I was having unrighteous thoughts. See, my son Alec is autistic. He was diagnosed before he was 3. When he was younger, I took his autism in stride because I was on a mission. He was non-verbal and lived on pedisure from a bottle till he was 5. That I could handle because I somewhat had control over that. I could figure out what he needed even if he couldn't talk and I was the best diaper changer you have ever seen - I could do it blindfolded. We were in every kind of therapy you can think of, etc., etc. I give you all that background to say that with all that going on, I never let myself realize the future. But now...the future is here. The future is here and I had to confess to God that I was mad, angry, bitter, resentful, defeated, tired, etc. Basically, I wasn't thinking on that which is true, honorable, lovely, and commendable (Phil. 4:8). I was not content where the Lord has me(Phil. 4:11). I was however going to bed angry and giving opportunity to the devil(Eph. 4:26-27)l. I was grieving the Holy Spirit because of my bitterness (Eph. 4:30). I was not remembering that through Christ I can do all things(Phil. 4:13), and I certainly was not remembering that God is faithful and He will not tempt us beyond what we can bear (1 Cor. 10:13). But praise God He did and does hear my prayers and when I truly confessed my sin- fullness to Him and admitted what was in my heart, I felt the peace of God that I hadn't had in a long time!!! I praise God for His faithfulness and seeking God for righteousness sake is much better and much more spiritually fulfilling than seeking God with a "genie in the bottle" mentally.
When I woke up this morning, my son was still autistic. We still had a rough morning (and we were still late for school - haha), but...In Christ alone my hope is found!
WOW!! What a "HELLO" moment. I cannot begin to imagine how you feel on a day to day, but I can say that satan will do exactly what he has done to you any chance he gets. One second to allow him in will take who knows how long to get him out. I feel that way about Jon and Kate and I want to just call them up and say, "don't you see what all of the fame and money and status is doing to you??"
ReplyDeleteYou do a WONDERFUL job with Alec and he is so very blessed to have you for a mom. You will get through this funk before you know it!!
I love you!! ALMOST SUMMER!!!