Raising Someone with Autism...By His Grace
I have often wondered how hard it must be for parents and family members to raise their autistic (or any special needs) kids apart from Christ and the hope we find in a personal relationship with Him. For that matter, how do we raise our “normal” kids without Christ?! When I think about what we need on a daily basis to deal with what we deal with ...things like compassion, kindness, humility, patience, ect, I know for me personally, most of that does not come naturally, and what does come more naturally, can quickly run out.
Just a little background on my story. I have two kids...well now, young adults, but they will always be my kiddos. I have an amazing daughter who is married, in college, and who is the mom to my precious grandson, Knox. My son, Alec, who is now 22, was diagnosed with autism a few months after he turned 2...and our lives have never been the same. This little guy who was non-verbal, lived on PediaSure from a bottle till he was three, not potty trained until he was five, linear stemmed, loved bouncy balls and hot wheels, and ran us plum crazy most days is now considered an adult. By God’s amazing grace, he now drives, has a job, and although he outgrew most of his “issues”, there is now a whole new set of issues...anger, melt downs, and just all around struggling with growing up! He is considered high-functioning. High functioning enough to know he is different, but autisic enough not to be able to do too much about it. He has many great qualities. He can be very polite, he is respectful (in most settings and most of the time), he is a good friend, and he likes to help people. BUT….some days are tough.
These tough days make me so thankful that I know Christ. Not that I just know Him, but that I know His Word, His promises, and His truths. I am thankful that I can find a peace that truly does surpass all understanding (Philippians 4:7, “And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus). Autism is very confusing and hard to understand...BUT GOD (1 Corinthians 14:33, “ For God is not a God of confusion but of peace). And I am so so thankful for God’s grace...it is sufficient, amazing, never runs out, and something we desperately need! (2 Corinthians 12:9, “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.) Because if anything in my life has ever made me feel weak, it is autism!
My hope is that this little Scripture devotional will help us to handle what the Lord has seen fit to give us. His Word will equip us to do what He has called us to do, and raising a child/adult with autism, is a calling!
Colossians has always been a favorite book of mine. It assures us that we have all we need in Jesus, and it calls us to grow in maturity in Christ by getting rid of sinful practices and embracing Christian virtues. All Christians need to be “mature in Christ” (1:28), but my focus is on us parents who need an extra dose of maturity to handle our special needs kids.
For the purpose of this devotional, our focal passages will be Colossians 3:12-15.
Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.
I want to look at the characteristics mentioned in these Scripture realizing that apart from Christ, it is impossible to live out these verses. It is even harder to live out these verses when we are put to the test day after day because of the complications and predicaments that come alongside autism.
Compassionate hearts
"Compassion is sometimes the fatal capacity for feeling what it is like to live inside somebody else’s skin. It is the knowledge that there can never really be any peace and joy for me until there is peace and joy finally for you too."
-Fredrick Buechner
Well what a virtue to start with as we think about what is necessary for us to possess so we can effectively and gracefully raise and take care of our kiddos! The dictionary definition of compassion is sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others. Now while this is the true definition, I don't like to think of compassion as pity. I much prefer the Biblical context of the word, to recognize the suffering of others and then take action to help. Our kids don’t need our pity, they need our help.
The quote mentioned above speaks volumes. Oh how much compassion we could have for our kids if we understood for one second what it feels like to live in their skin. When we have compassion, we have a desire to understand, a desire to lessen their struggles, a desire to lessen their suffering...rather than focusing so much on our own.
The Bible does an amazing job of showing us what compassion looks like as well as what is involved in actually being a compassionate person.
"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy." — Proverbs 31:8-9
"Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth." — 1 John 3:18, NIV
"Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms." — 1 Peter 4:10, NIV
As believers, we are called to speak up for our kids. We are called to love our kids not just with our words but with how we act. How we treat them matters. And we are called to use whatever God has gifted us with to serve.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us all in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
— 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Praise God, we have a compassionate Father. May He be our example.
Kindness
“Because that’s what kindness is. It’s not doing something for someone else because they can’t, but because you can.” – Andrew Iskander
The dictionary definition of kindness is the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. This seems like a no brainer. Being kind to our kids should not be a struggle. But if we are honest, sometimes it is. It is hard to be kind after your kid steals your car and takes the police on a 2 hour car chase. It is hard to be kind when your kid breaks your husband's rib and punches holes in the wall. It is hard to be kind to your kid when he purposefully and knowing does things to disrupt your world. It is hard to be kind when they are not. It is hard to be kind when you are embarrassed, ashamed, tired, weary, and worn...BUT GOD and His amazing grace. Because apart from God and His amazing grace, we can’t be kind. But in Christ and because of His example, His Word, and His promises, we have what we need to be kind to our kiddos.
Do not let kindness and truth leave you; Bind them around your neck, Write them on the tablet of your heart. Proverbs 3:3
Let no corrupt talk come out of your mouth, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:29-32
Let’s let these verses sink in a minute. Let’s think on them in regards to our kids. ...don’t let kindness leave you, watch what you say, build them up, don’t be bitter and angry. Be kind to them (and forgive them...we will talk about this more in detail later) just as Christ is kind to us.
Humility (and meekness)
“True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.”
The worldly definition of humility is a modest or low view of one's own importance. So often the world views humility as a sign of weakness or someone that is quiet and shy. Sometimes our kiddos make us feel weak. They make us feel like we don’t fit in and that we don't have much to offer in ways of partnering because it can look like we are big fat failures. But the worldly door mat view of humility is very different from the Biblical perspective.
Biblical humility or being humble does not mean being a doormat. The meaning of humility in the Bible is the absence of pride and arrogance. And if anything can keep us humble, it is our children! As parents, we have to remember that when we are weak, He is strong. Our flesh is so inadequate, but by His grace, we can humble ourselves before Christ and ask Him for strength, for guidance, for wisdom, and most importantly, for His amazing grace that never runs out. Humility helps us remember that we are totally dependent on Him...which is exactly where we need to be. It helps us to know that we need God’s help. Godly humility is being comfortable with who you, and your children, are in the Lord. Humility helps us remember that God called us to a very special job. That our kiddos are the way they are on purpose. This picture of humility shows us a strong person...someone who knows where their strength comes from...not a wimp. It is in our humbleness that we can come alongside our kiddos to teach them about love, grace, and forgiveness. Jesus is our example and we can be an example to them (I am gentle and humble in heart. Matthew 11:29).
How can our humbleness help us raise our kiddos?
It can help us not always need to win. It can help us with our anger and not always having to be right. One time I heard someone say (regarding marriage), “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?” This can be true without kiddos. Some days, I just need to be humble and let things go. (A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1)
Humility helps us to handle the way our kids treat us. We can learn and grow and not become bitter because our thinking is right. We know who we are apart from Christ and that helps us to keep a godly perspective. I read somewhere once this saying, “Do you want to be bitter or better?” I choose better! “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32)
Humility helps us not to be fake. The more we know the Lord, the less we have to prove. We can be genuine in our struggles. We can be honest about the heartaches that come. We can be real about our desperate need for Christ to help us get through each and every day.
“Humble Pie” can actually taste good. Well, maybe not taste good, but editable! When you are humble, you can respond to and learn from criticism without becoming defensive—whether it is deserved or not deserved. Likewise, you can be aware of your failures without being emotionally devastated. We parents with special kids all know what it is like to be criticized. Well meaning, and some not so well-meaning, folks love to give advice about how we should be handling those melt-downs, those strange behaviors, or even things like what we should be feeding them.
Around 2012, melt downs began to be a thing at our house. And over the years, they have worsened. The strange behavior we have dealt with for the past 4 years are “Winter Pics”. Let me explain. My son Alec loves to wear “winter clothes” (Puffy coats, scarves, hats, & gloves), and he would also like others to wear winter clothes, and to make matters worse, WE LIVE IN LOUISIANA! But wearing the clothes isn't the biggest issue. The real struggle is that he wants people to take pictures with him in his winter clothes. I could write a whole chapter on this alone, but my point in mentioning this here is to remind us that the Lord will use whatever means necessary to keep us humble and totally dependent on Him. Dealing with this addiction/obsession/issue, whatever you want to call it, has done just that. It has kept me humble, needy, and on my knees. Which is exactly where I need to be.
Patience
A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves a thousand moments of regret.
The definition of patience is the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset; waiting without complaint. Some synonyms for the word patience are forbearance, tolerance, self-restraint, endurance, and perseverance. When I think about my life with Alec, I realize how much I need these attributes in my life, and I imagine you do as well.
“ Patience is a virtue” is more than just a cliche. It is also a fact! I think all moms feel like patience is something they could work on. But for special needs momma, the struggle is real! Sometimes we have to wait a long time to see progress. Sometimes we have to work extra hard at controlling our anger and frustration. Sometimes we have to be patient when waiting for the most recent stim or “obsession” to subside. What can we learn from the Bible about patience and how we can foster it?
Well, if we profess Christ and have the Holy Spirit living inside of us we should on some level possess all of the fruits of the spirit… (Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.) So, there is no denying that being patient with our kiddos is possible...no matter how brutal, because we have the help of the Holy Spirit.
We also have Jesus Christ as an example. If anybody was patient, it was Him. Think about his disciples. They were sometimes thickheaded, lazy, and plum selfish. But Jesus continued to come alongside them and point them to Christ. Developing and growing in patience is a process that helps us to look more like Jesus. What better way can we help our kiddos that by striving to look like Jesus? This process is a journey and probably one of the reasons the Lord gives us our kids with certain struggles...to help us, to grow us, to mold us. This process is teaching me that the Lord is perfectly capable of handling things for me as well as my children. I am learning to realize the true reality of Jeremiah 29:11,“For I know the plans I have for you…” He truly does, and when we can come to the revelation of this realization, we can truly “let go” and have unexplainable patience and peace as we wait upon Him...as we trust in His sovereignty and in His timing. When we have this mindset, we are then able to practice patience with heavenly expectations. That can be our focus rather than our child’s disability. Patience requires power – Holy Spirit power. The Holy Spirit inside of us gives us the ability to practice patience, and to grow our capacity for patience.
In the midst of trials and challenges that we face with our kiddos, we can choose to strengthen and encourage ourselves in the Lord, or we can choose to complain and risk hardening our hearts. Maintaining a heart of thanksgiving in the midst of raising our kids is an opportunity for the Lord to do a “perfecting work” of patience in us. As we spend time in His presence, we grow in patience.
James 1:4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
Bearing with our kiddos
“Bear with the faults of others as you would have them bear with yours.”
– Phillips Brooks
“With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love.” (Ephesians 4:12)
When we think about bearing with one another sometimes the word tolerate comes to mind. We have to tolerate or endure our situations...our kiddos. The definition of tolerance is to allow to be or to be done without prohibition, hindrance, or contradiction; to put up with. Well, friends, if this is our attitude toward our kiddos, we are in big trouble! If we feel like we have to just tolerate or endure our precious people, we are fighting a losing battle. And the biggest losers are our kids!
The Bible clearly calls us to “bear with one anther” or some translations say, “make allowances” for others. I like that translation because we certainly have to make allowances for our kiddos. We have to make allowances for their lack of communication, lack of social skills, lack of empathy, lack of remorse, lack of respect, etc. Let's face it, our kids have faults. Let’s face it, SO DO WE!! And God continues to bear will us, make allowances for us, and pour out His grace on us. God accepts us, faults and all, and we should do the same for our kiddos. We too should be willing to make allowances or bear with our kids over their shortcomings…even when they are hard to bear, because so are we!!
When we bear/make allowances for our kids, that doesn't mean we make excuses for them. It doesn't mean we freely accept their “bad” behavior. What it does mean is that we remember that it is not a personal front to us ...it's not about us or how they make us look. We try to teach our kids that they are not the center of the universe, but we need to keep in mind that neither are we! As parents, it is easy for us to focus on how our kids' autism affects us. It is easy for me to think about my own stress, but when I “bear” with Alec I remember that he is the one with autism, not me. He is the one who has to fight everyday to understand the world around him. He is the one who has to fight his obsessions, his lack of social cues, and his lack of selflessness and how that affects others around him. In order to bear with Alec, I have to fight against my own self centeredness, my own expectations, and my own agenda. Because when I am honest, I am the least “tolerate” with Alec when he messes up my plans...when he embarrasses me ...when he doesn't act or respond the way I think he should. Well let’s be real, it is not hard to be kind, patient, and loving to those who are kind, patient, and loving to you. It doesn't take too much effort to smile back at someone who smiles at you. The rubber meets the road when our kiddos are unkind, selfish, mess up our agenda, and sometimes are just downright mean.
So as parents, how can we better bear with our kiddos? First, we need to tell ourselves that making allowances and bearing with our kiddos is not an option. In these scriptures, Paul is not encouraging us to practice these things (humility, gentleness, patience, bearing with one another, etc.), but rather it is a command! As a child of God, as a believer, we are called to come alongside each other, our kiddos included! This is not optional! And when we bear with our kiddos, when we love them in spite of them, and when we show them grace, God gets all the glory because it is only by His grace that we can keep any of His commands.
Next, we need to consider “bearing with” our kiddos as a gift. A gift they deserve and need. If we don’t bear with them, how can we expect others to? I remember trying to teach my daughter when her and my son were little the importance of our home being a safe place for Alec. The importance of him knowing we loved him no matter what. The importance of us having his back NO MATTER WHAT! And my daughter is a better person today because she had to grow up dying to herself everyday. Bearing with our kiddos is a precious gift we can give them as they struggle to find their way in the world. Lastly, bearing with our kiddos is also an amazing gift for ourselves because it keeps us dependent on Christ and keeps the fact that He constantly has to bear with us on the forefront of our minds. It’s hard to be bitter when we bear the burden that comes alongside raising our kiddos. It’s hard to have a hard heart when we intentionally bear those burdens. By God’s grace we are better because of our kiddos!
Forgiveness
1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”
When I think about forgiveness regarding raising our kiddos, lots of thoughts come to mind. Who do I need to forgive? Who do I need to ask forgiveness from? Do I need to forgive folks for not understanding, for hurt feelings, for harsh remarks? Do I need to ask for forgiveness for my own harsh remarks or unrealistic expectations? Do I need to ask my kiddos forgiveness for the same things? The Bible has much to say about forgiveness and our need for it. Our focal verse says so much, verse 13 says, “... forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. God has forgiven us, and not just for the small, insignificant things — He forgave us everything. Jesus died on the cross to forgive every offense you and I have ever committed against God or our fellow humans. If we’ve accepted Jesus as our Savior, God has already forgiven us, without hesitation or exceptions. He is our example. We forgive because the Lord forgave us. We forgive folks when they don’t get it. We forgive folks when they don’t understand. And we even forgive ourselves when we mess up and fall short with the above mentioned virtues. And it is even okay to ask our kiddos for forgiveness when we fall short. They need to see us being real and raw and remorseful. They need to see us looking to God’s Word for guidance and wisdom. May we pray daily for the forgiveness of our sins as well as for a sensitivity to our own sinfulness. We need to keep soft hearts because nothing is worse than a hard heart and nothing will harden a heart faster than unforgiveness.
Matthew 6:14-15, For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Ephesians 4:31-32, Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
1 John 1:9, If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
Isaiah 1:18, “Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.
Elisabeth Eliot says to forgive you must receive the grace, acknowledge the wrong, lay down all your rights, and then ask for grace to treat that person as if nothing ever happened. What great advice, especially when it concerns our kiddos.
Be Thankful
We often take for granted the very things that deserve our gratitude.
Cynthia Ozick
April 2 is the official world-wide “autism awareness” day. For my family and so many of yours, it is autism awareness everyday. My son is almost 23 years old and in those 23 years we have gone through many seasons, had many highs and lows, and learned a lot!! But I can’t honestly say, through it all, we have experienced more grace than we ever deserved and I have MUCH to be thankful for. The Lord has been so faithful to allow Alec to come as far as he has....the Lord has provided so many amazing people to be a part of his life....from our doctor who diagnosed him before he was two, countless therapists and great teachers, to people who came to our house every week for over a year to do ABA, to our friends and family who gave us a benefit to raise money to do treatments we could not have afforded otherwise....a church family that has loved him unconditionally for 20 years, some amazing friends that love him and accept him and come alongside him, Oakpoint grocery for giving him a chance at his first job, the DOTD and PSE (Program for Successful Employment) for an amazing internship and program that will give him a chance for a real future and a meaningful full time job, a sister who loves him and sets him straight, an extended family who loves him, countless people who have taken winter pics for the last few years , and I could go on and on! We are blessed, y’all!! Autism is not our curse....in many ways, it is our greatest blessing!....that may sound crazy, but I know it has been God’s way of keeping our family humble, completely dependent on Him, and has allowed us to see grace and goodness and faithfulness and dying to self that would not have been possible otherwise!! The Lord has used Alec’s autism in such a mighty way and I have MUCH to be thankful for. I am better because of Alec!!
My prayer is that as Alec becomes an adult with autism and the challenges change, that the Lord will use Alec and grow him, allow him to see his strengths, and pour out grace in his struggles...all for God’s glory and our good!!!
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